in which the Episode III action figures are discussed

There used to be a time where I would practically leap onto the shelves of any store that carried a full wave of Star Wars action figures. Back when I was a serious collector (which if you're really curious, was up until about 5 years ago) there were certain figures out of each wave that were almost impossible to get, because they would usually end up in the hands of store employees opening the boxes and keeping them for themeselves. If you got to a store with a freshly unpacked display of figures, you'd almost always get first pick of the entire collection available at that time. Otherwise you're forced to pay a ridiculous markup at comic stores, where they were more than likely supplied by said store room unpackers. Such a vicious cycle.

Yesterday I happened to be in a department store's toy section out of pure coincidence (I swear), and I saw their enitre Episode III product line spread out like a Star Wars collector's banquet. I was unmoved, however, because after a few select glances at the figures displayed, my suspicion that Star Wars action figures have reached a nadir was confirmed.

Ever since the first wave of Episode II figures the actor likenesses were taking a serious downturn. Obi Wan and Anakin looked nothing like their on-screen counterparts. Like figures starting as far back as the Episode I series, they also suffered from bad paint jobs. In the first wave of Episode III figures, Obi-Wan was sporting a Grizzly Adams beard complete with an odd looking splash of grey. What is this, Hasbro? Your version of shading? Or is it meant to age Obi-Wan? It looks like crap. Anakin looks like an emaciated goth that just wandered out of a Misfits concert. Moreover, despite obviously wearing some maternity tunic, Padme looks about 40 years old and nothing like Natalie Portman. These are core characters that have been made all but unrecognizable.

I could forgive the occasional accessorizing that didn't exactly mesh with Star Wars canon. Aside from Luke Skywalker looking extra buff and coming equipped with some kind of grappling hook, it was still Luke Skywalker. He had a lightsaber. The Episode III version of Yoda comes with a giant bowcaster or something that shoots a rocket. I'm sure this has something to do with the film, but Yoda of all people should not be packing a piece of weaponry that's twice his size. And look at his head! It deeply saddens me.

Even the Original Trilogy series that was started last year has been taking a dive. Mark Hamill is by no means an attractive man (at least that's what my wife tells me), and yet they manage to turn Luke Skywalker into some kind of Dagobah swamp troll - ugly even by Yoda's standards. Are they even using reference photos anymore?

All this is telling me that Hasbro is getting lazy, and Lucasfilm by extension for letting this crap through as official merchandise. Who gives a shit if the action figures look like the actors - let's get them on the god damned shelves, right? I used to justify to myself that I was getting these figures for a complete collection, but not anymore. Call it growing up or simply the feelings of a jaded Star Wars fan - it doesn't matter. It's movie merchandising at its worst.

you've been lying to me